Friday, May 27, 2011

I confess

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I confess that I feel like a failure as a woman. I confess that I feel like a failure as a wife. I confess that I want to curl up on the couch and cry. I confess that I can't seem to stop crying.

I started clomid this month. I found out I ovulated this month on Wednesday. I started my period this morning.

What are we doing wrong? Why can't we have more babies? What is wrong with me?

I confess that I always thought I would be done with having children by 30, having 4 or 5 by then. I confess that it never even occurred to me that there could be problems. Even if I get pregnant next month, Goose will be 5 when the baby comes. I will be almost 27.

I confess that I need to lose weight. I know I do, you know I do. So what is my problem? I don't know that either. I confess that I've been thinking that maybe we should put off baby trying for the summer and see if I can lose weight, and go back to it in September. I confess that I wish there was a magic pill I could take and all my weight problems would be gone in the morning.

I confess that I'm not ready for Sailor Man to go to his new ship and return to "regular Navy hours". I confess that it's been really nice having him home most afternoons. I confess that I might cry the first time he goes back to work. I confess that being on the FRG scares me, I don't want to be that FRG.

I confess that I will most likely be spending this wonderful weekend crying on the couch. I confess that I know how pathetic I sound, but right now -- I don't care. I confess that these last couple weeks have been crazy emotionally draining. I confess that I think a good cry is exactly what I need.

10 comments:

Samantha said...

I confess that you are awesome and that God will give you the strength you need to roll on. You do what you have to do to make yourself feel better. There's no shame in that.

Anonymous said...

I know it's easy to blame yourself, but you're a great person and the world is lucky to have you, and I know you're husband doesn't want to see you cry, I'm sure he feels bad too. your body will get pregnant when it's ready, and it may happen when you least expect it. Don't be so hard on yourself, your little girl doesn't want to see her momma sad. Just remember you're lovely and the world is lucky to have you.

Carrie said...

Awww....(((HUGS)))

You sure do have a lot on your plate right now! Venting and a good cry may be just what you need! But, when all is said and done, just take a deep breath and continue on. You will get through this! I will say a prayer for you and keep you in my thoughts.

More (((HUGS)))
Carrie

Amber said...

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be.

I'll send some positive vibes your way to at least cheer you up. I hope you get to have your baby soon! :)

Photina said...

You are an amazing woman my friend. I do not know what you are going through or feeling but I know Heavenly Father will bless you. You are such a great person and friend.

Mamarazzi said...

i know exactly how you are feeling. i thought i would have a house full of kids by the time i was 40...infertility sucks. Clomid is great but you will be riding the emotion-coaster for a while. just go with it, cry and be sad.

i am not going to tell you to "stop trying and it will happen" i hate when people say that to me.

i will add a baby for YOU to my prayers for a baby for ME.

HUGS!!

Mrs. 147 said...

Cry your eyes out and when you are done, cry some more!! There are no words I can say or type to make things better for you. Just know that I am here for you if you need anything!! My only suggestion is when you are praying tonight tell Heavenly Father you learned all you need to about this so you are done with this trail!! ;-) Love you!!!!

Mary Nicole said...

I think a deep/good cry always helps. Just let it out girl... & hopefully you will be feeling better :) I know I have been there and usually if I just get a good cry out, I feel so much better.

The weight loss - I'm right there with you, take it one day at a time. I wish there was a pill I could take too, oh wouldn't that be perfect? haha

Anna said...

I am sending hugs to you. I totally get it. I always thought I would be done having kids by the time I was 30... I turn 30 in December... and still no babies. I know what it is like every month seeing the dredded AF... And Clomid.. my sister (who has endometriosis and PCOS) got pregnant her third month on it. I have lots of friends who Clomid was a miracle drug. Here's lots of wishes and baby dust your way. Don't give up. Take a few days, eat some chocolate, drink some alcohol (because you can), and on day 3... start it up again. *hugs* I know how you feel.

Lauren said...

Infertility issues are sad. I am only 24 and already have them. It drains me and it drained my relationship. But stay strong and I will say extra prayers that a baby comes along.

And I completely agree about the weight loss thing. I know I need to lose some pounds, but I don't have the motivation to do anything about it.

Hang in there! Stay strong!

PS. I found you from the I confess link-up. I look forward to getting to know you better!
http://lobabyx3.blogspot.com/

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