Friday, June 24, 2011

I confess on Fat Friday


I confess...

Loss: 1.7 pounds
Total since last weigh in: 1.7 pounds
Total overall loss: 1.7 pounds

I know it's been 2 weeks since I weighed in, but I confess that I didn't even start trying until I got home. I confess that I am happy with a loss of one pound. I confess that it puts a smile on my face to know that just by changing how I'm eating, I'm losing weight! I confess that it's actually a little fun to see how much food you get, or don't get, when you measure it out to the right serving size!

I confess that I had a mini-heart attack yesterday when I checked our bank account. I confess that we are not rich by any means, but we always make it by pay check to pay check. Well as I looked at our account, I confess that I had an anxiety attack in my living room. Someone had gotten our account information and made a $600 withdrawal in Orlando FL. I confess that I tried to call Sailor Man first with out really even thinking about calling the bank. I confess that I was not the most articulate person when it came to actually talking to someone. I confess that I was so flustered and shaky, I think the person on the phone thought I was on crack. Thankfully, it will be taken care of in a few days and everything will go on as normal, but I confess that I am so scared of using our cards again!

I confess that I am writing this in the middle of the night. Because, I confess, something is weighing on my mind. I confess that I don't know if it's because of the emotional toll the whole bank thing took, or if something is wrong. I confess that I can't place my finger on the exact reason... but I confess that I have my suspicions.

So here it goes...*deep breath*...I confess that I don't have a lot of friends here. We've lived here nearly a year, and there are only a handful of people I would consider friends, and none of them, I confess, are great friends. I confess that it is driving me absolutely crazy. I am not overly bubbly and outgoing like my younger sister, but I am definitely not a shy person. I confess that in high school it was definitely easy for me to make friends, but now it just seems so hard. I confess that I feel like the geek in high school following the "popular" girls around, just to be caught in their "cool bubble".

I confess that I feel like I don't fit the "military wife"norm. I go to the FRG meetings, the base, the park in our housing complex, and even the pool, and I confess that I feel completely intimidated by them. They're thin, perfect hair, perfect makeup in their Gap outfits, and I confess that I waddle in with my hair in a bun, make up melting off, in my walmart clearance section clothes and I confess that I look at them and tear up inside. I confess that I'm not perfect, I'm just me. Sailor Man loves me for who I am, and I know that 100%, but I confess that I don't love me for who I am, even 50%.

I confess that I want to love me for who I am, but I don't know how. I confess that I envy those who have self confidence in themselves. I confess that it makes me shut down when I'm in big crowds, because I confess, I feel like people are judging my weight, my acne, my split end hair.. not who I am. I confess that it makes it hard for me to let people in.
I confess that I'm generally a very happy person. I confess that I've battled depression over the years, but I've been able to beat it. My dad once told me "I feel like you lost some hands in the game of life, and that has battered your self confidence". I confess that I never really understood what he meant until tonight. I confess I was laying in bed listening to my rain machine when a tear rolled down my cheek. I confess that I don't want to be that unhappy person, because I know in my heart that's not who I am. I am a diamond in the rough, and I confess that while I'm working on buffing out the edges, I am still beautiful. I am wonderful. I am amazing. I am worthy!

I confess that I feel really bad :( I sent Mamarazzi some Scentsy products in exchange for ad space, and the bars I sent melted in the package. I froze them before I sent them in hopes that that wouldn't happen.  

I confess that I am beyond super annoyed with blogger - pictures wont upload, blogs I subscribe to disappear, google reader isn't working, comments disappear, sometimes I can't even log in! I confess that I've been thinking of making the change to wordpress, but I confess I'm scared of moving. I'm scared of losing followers, posts, comments, pictures...everything. Does that make me lame?


Jolene said...

Oh... I confess I can relate to so many things you confessed. (((HUGS))) I think you needed this and GREAT JOB on the pound.

Anonymous said...

Self confidence is SO hard. I am not blessed with a whole lot of it. Even with running and losing weight and all. I think it's just a matter of realizing that you are who you are and in some ways, you need to accept it. But not to let that hold you back from progressing. And sorry about your cards. That is the worst! Happy Friday.

Brenna said...

Friend!! This makes me sad. I think finding happiness in yourself is one of the hardest things ever. Yet- if you can find it- it will spill into the rest of your life~
I am going to email you cause I want to talk more!

Aubrey S. said...

Oh, sweetie. It really is hard sometimes to love ourselves, but you are so worth it. I hope you feel better about yourself soon.

VandyJ said...

I can relate to just about everything you said about making friends--it's hard. I have the hardest time making friends. I have come to the conclusion that you just have to let things work themselves out. Be you and the best you you can. Blogging helps--we're always there.

Jenny and James said...

I'm sorry you had to go through the whole money thing with the bank. That is always a horrible experience! I can relate to you with the friends too sweetie. It's hard to make friends for me too. I love ya! Wish I lived closer to you because we would so hang out all the time!

Kristi Rowley said...

I Confess...that I Love keeping up with you and the things you are doing. I really wish we could have gotten to know each other better. I love seeing (hearing about) the relationship you have with your husband and the support that you give to each other. That, right there is such an example to so many. You hit the nail on the head in this post with your feelings you have to the ladies you associate with. I understand those feelings and people can comment and try to tell you that they don't see you that way, but it doesn't stop how you feel or think inside. I am so the same way. Thank you for the example of being daring to Confess. Even the "Popular" girls can't do that. I think you are Amazing!

A Randomlicious Blog for the Soul said...

Thank you for your post. I feel the same exact way with making friends and the girls in my church are so skinny and after 3 kids I'm like how the heck do they do it? it's hard not to compare yourself to others. I hope you find peace and the confidence to feel beautiful because you are!! :)

Beckie said...

I'm the worst person EVER at commenting/getting back to comments. But thanks for the one you left. And I read your other post about this too.

It seems like we're in very similar spots. Even our weight is the same!

I often feel bad as well when around some people. It's hard not to feel insecure and think they're all perfect and have everything together...most of the time they aren't and they don't but that doesn't really matter. What matters is what's going on inside you (and me).

I know in your newer post you said you want to be more positive. Start loving yourself. Start catching what you're saying to yourself inside. I don't know about you but sometimes what I say is horrendous and I'd never say it to another human being, but it's on a loop in my own head.

I'm glad you have a loving man :). I do too and isn't it such a big help to have such a rock?

Just know that lots of people are supporting you and/or going through very similar things. If you ever need to talk I'm here <3

AndreaLeigh said...

how involved are you in the frg? are you involved in any committees? do you go to the events or just the meetings?

give the other wives a chance. I've been there; its scary. But I guarantee you will meet some very nice girls if you just put yourself out there. Promise.

do you live on base? what base? Is your husband surface or subs? I might have some other contacts for you...

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