Deployment is looming over my head. It's not even for a while longer, but it's there, on my mind, 24/7. I have so many emotions connected with this deployment, so many emotions and only 1 body to house them. This is our first "real" deployment, Sailor Man met the ship half-way through the last deployment.
I am excited. Yes, excited. I'm excited to prove to myself, my family, the world that I am strong enough to handle this. I feel like I can do anything, if I can handle a silly little deployment.
That being said; I'm terrified, anxious, sad, tired and blah about this deployment. When I really sit down to think of it, I realize everything he will miss. A lot of big milestones in Goose's life, holiday's, time, us, family. I think "am I really that selfish that I don't support him?" I support him 100%, but I'm going to miss him terribly. I read all these blogs of women who are so much stronger than I, those who think deployments are just a blip on the map of life. Why am I not as strong as they? What is wrong with me, that I can't handle this? Why does it make me cry just thinking about him being gone?
Perhaps it's because we were married for almost 5 years before he joined. I had 5 years of him coming home every night, every weekend and every holiday. He was never away from us for more than a night or two, I never had to worry if I would get a knock on the door.
Maybe because we were married before, it gives me a different perspective than most wives? I don't know. Maybe it has nothing to do with it. I don't know.
There are lot's of little things going on in our lives, that are for another post, but it is adding to my stress. So many "what if's" and unanswered questions, that I seem to be making it worse for myself. However, there is not much I can do to change the fact that it's there, and it's coming. I need to get my emotions in check, put my big girl panties on, and deal with it.