Friday, June 22, 2012

I confess...

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I confess that it's been a long time since I linked up to this, but I'm feeling the need today. I confess that over the last few weeks I have been beyond stressed out. Which, I confess, has turned Goose into a little 5 year old monster. She is definitely feeding off my stress and it's causing me more stress. My mom has pointed out that turning 5 is a rough year for a kid because they think they know everything and want to be independent. Well, I am not ready for her to know everything. Actually, Goose has been very good the last couple days. I confess that I have calmed down a bit, which probably helped, but we had a long talk and I think she finally understand what I mean when I say "I desperately need you to listen!!!"

I confess that I am starting to finally enjoy my pregnancy. I confess that I am a bit of a nut job. I am an anxious person by nature but pregnancy increases that 1000 fold. I confess that I am constantly worried something is wrong, and I always look for something to go wrong. I confess that I have not enjoyed this pregnancy because of my stupid anxiety riddled brain. I confess that I tend to blame that on the fact that it took us more than 3 years to get pregnant again, but as my mom points out, I was anxious with Goose as well. However, I'm 21 weeks and starting to feel consistent movement. I love feeling the little flutters, kicks and punches that I'm feeling. Sailor Man and Goose want to feel them desperately, but I confess that it makes me a little happy that I get to experience them alone first. I confess that feeling makes me feel guilty and I grab their hands any time I feel her move.

I confess that when I signed up for the Summer Blog Challenge I was really excited. I confess that I still am, but I've been so busy lately I just don't have time to sit and write out thoughts.

I confess that Sailor Man's work up schedule has gotten the best of me. Deployment is looming, and it's coming, and they are getting ready. I've been preparing for this for a long time, I've known it was coming and yet, I confess, that I don't feel ready to say "goodbye". People often comment that Navy deployments are "only" 7 months so they're not a big deal, and you're right. They generally last that long, but what people don't understand is the 6 months before they leave they are constantly gone anyway. Sailor Man has been home so scarcely these past few months. I confess that I miss him. Yes, I know I know "this is what we signed up for", but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and that it's hard for me!

I confess that even with my planning, lists, more planning, and more lists I don't really feel prepared for this move. Goose and I are going home to be with family while Sailor Man deploys, and for when I give birth. I know that this is the best decision for our family because I will need the help with Goose after the baby is born. I need Sailor Man to know and understand that we are being taken care of, I need him to not worry about us, his mind needs to be focused on the mission. I confess that there are lot's of military wives who are judging me for my decision. I confess that it bothers me, but the more I think about it the more I don't care. I am making the choice for MY family, not theirs. If I wasn't going to give birth while he was gone, we would be staying put. Yes it would be hard, and I confess the thought scares me, but I know we'd be OK.

I confess that I have a to-do list sitting right next to me, that I am choosing to ignore. However, I need to get moving on it. So much to do and to little time. And so my friends, this closes our confession session for this week. Tune in next week and see if I've survived the week...

4 comments:

Jamie said...

Looming deployments are almost as bad as when they're finally gone. Hope you have a good weekend!

Jillian Nicole said...

I love your confession and do also believe that your children feed off of your emotions and respond similarly. Take deep breaths and keep calm.
It is also a good idea to be with family to help with Goose when your baby arrives. You will definitely need the help.
I wish you a safe trip and easy delivery.
Jillian
http://puzzlemecomplete.blogspot.com/

Mamarazzi said...

you had a lot to confess today. i hope you feel better after typing this all out! phew!

i am sure you will survive. you are cool and strong like that!

thanks for linking up..i have missed your confessions.

Aubrey S. said...

I'm so glad that you linked up this week. Your baby is going to be wonderful and fine. And who cares what the other wives think? You're the one who has to take care of your family; not them.

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